Polite Southern Women (& Men) Reply to RSVP's: Courtesy of Cindy Edwards via Paula Deen

I simply could not resist re-posting this article on PaulaDeen.com (you can read the original here). If you have ever planned a wedding or party, you will become frustrated with people who do not rsvp. If you are in the midst of planning your wedding now, you will soon find out how important the courtesy of a reply to an invitation is. Cindy says it best in this article, so I'll let her be on this soapbox for now. But, I would like to pull out a quote from this article that says exactly how I feel about people who don't bother letting you know they are attending your event.

"Let’s back up for a bit and remember what we know about being polite: Quite simply, it is behavior that seeks someone else’s comfort before that of your own."

How quickly should I respond to an invitation?

by Cindy Edwards

If you have ever given a party or planned a wedding, then you truly appreciate the many hours of preparation that go into a successful occasion. Knowing how many people to expect is key to orchestrating the perfect party or event.

Let’s back up for a bit and remember what we know about being polite: Quite simply, it is behavior that seeks someone else’s comfort before that of your own.

A hostess spends many hours planning her event: setting the date, selecting the menu and finalizing her guest list. It is a special occasion for her and her guests.  Numbers are crucial to the success of her party. After all, she gave serious thought to including you and you should show respect and consideration for her by responding quickly.

Quickly means as soon as possible. Therefore, check your calendar and make arrangements in order to attend or regret promptly if you know that you will not be able to attend.

How should I reply?
Reply in the same manner that you were invited.
If…
… your neighbor calls and invites you and your husband over for a barbeque, you may accept or regret immediately. Or, check with your spouse and call back in a day or two.  I recommend checking with the spouse first!

… you receive a beautiful invitation in the mail with a phone number and a deadline for reply, please check your schedule and reply quickly in the manner requested. The same courtesy should be extended to an invitation that lists an email address. Of course, make sure that you reply before the deadline. Keep your message or call brief, and do not feel obligated to give an excuse or explanation for a regret.

… you receive a formal invitation the requires a formal written response, follow the form or style of the invitation. If it reads:

Mr. and Mrs. John Edward Doe
request the pleasure
of your company
for cocktails and dinner
Friday, the third of June
at half past seven o’clock
234 Shadow Brook Lane
Savannah, Georgia
R.S.V.P.

Note: R.S.V.P. is an abbreviation of the French phrase “respondez s’il vous plait”, which is a request for your reply. I have seen it in all caps (RSVP) and with periods (R.S.V.P.) in several different etiquette books. It may also read “the favor of a reply is requested” or “please reply”.

Simply pull out your informal note cards or your beautifully engraved half sheet stationery and pen the following response spaced in the same manner as the invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Michael Watson
accept the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. John Edward Doe
for cocktails and dinner
Friday, the third of June
at half past seven o’clock
234 Shadow Brook Lane
Savannah, Georgia

If you need to regret, it would read:
Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Michael Watson
regret that they are unable to accept
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. John Edward Doe
Friday, the third of June

Note: It is not necessary to repeat the date, time and place of the event in a regret, but it is nice to repeat the specifics in an acceptance so that the host is confident that you have the correct date, time and place.

What if…
… your plans change? Inform your host as soon as possible. You should only change a yes to a no for a very good reason. Only change your response if it is unavoidable and do so as soon as you know. An illness, death or professional conflict is an appropriate excuse.

…  you have out-of-town guests or want to bring a date? Consider the invitation. If it is for you and a guest, it would be fine to notify the hostess of your guest and bring him/her to the party. However, it is just not acceptable to ask to bring someone extra. If you inform the hostess that the reason you are regretting is because you have houseguests, she may extend the invitation to your guests. But, if she is working with tight numbers, do not expect this inclusion and bow out gracefully.

… you can go, but your spouse cannot? Use your judgment. If you receive a casual invitation from your best friend inviting you and your husband to come over for dinner on Friday night and only one can make it, you should explain the conflict.  She will either ask you to come alone or she will offer to include you another time.  You just simply follow her lead. If the invitation is for a more formal or seated dinner, I would probably regret and try not to complicate the situation. 

As always, thanks for reading!

Properly yours,

Cindy

Cindy Edwards embodies everything pretty, perky and proper about the South. She's a wife, mother, volunteer and freelance writer. Cindy volunteers enough hours to exhaust most by serving on the Board of Trustees for the Telfair Museums, the Savannah Book Festival Board of Directors and the University of Georgia Honors Advisory Board. She has also served on the Boards of the March of Dimes and Young Life Savannah. Cindy has been married to her college sweetheart, Dr. Joe Edwards III, for 24 years and is the proud mother of two sons: Joe IV, a junior at the University of Georgia, and Jack, a rising senior in high school. No matter how busy, Cindy always makes time for a competitive game of bridge.

Q & A. Announcing Gift Registry.

Q. How do we let guests know where we are registered or let them know that we would prefer cash gifts?

A. Traditionally, it is improper to include registry information or registry inserts in a wedding invitation. It implies that you expect a gift. It is also not in good taste to include "no gifts please", or "please make donations to...", or "cash gifts only". A good resource for guests are family and your wedding party. They will be able to verbally spread the word of your wishes. Some guests will still want to show their joy for your through gifts, whether on or off of your registry. A hand written note from you or your spouse is customary to send as appreciation of their gift.

Many couples are creating personal wedding websites with all their details included on one page. Many of these websites include a page dedicated to registry information.

What about gifts for showers and engagement parties?
Gifts are typically not a part of engagement parties. An engagement party is a way to mingle with friends and new family members in celebration of your engagement, and are held early in the engagement. No worries...wedding soiree's will come! Engagement parties are a great way for your wedding party to spread the verbal word of your registry.

Many wedding shower hosts are sending invitations with registry information. Guests actually prefer the ease of knowing where they can find gifts for the couple. My advice is to send it on a separate piece of paper and not on the invitation.

Q & A. Your Plus One.

Q: We are having an "adult" wedding on a budget. How do we let our guests know who is invited to our wedding?

A: Including an inner envelope is the best way to let guests know who is invited to your wedding. (more on addressing inner and outer envelopes) Guests lists are the hardest part of planning a wedding. Not inviting children is perfectly acceptable, but can be a touchy subject. Use the outer envelope to address the invitation and the inner envelope to let the household know who is invited. For example, your outer envelope would be addressed like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Smith
1234 Walla Walla Lane
Shady Lane, Wisconsin 12345

Greg and Sally have two young children, Jake and Melissa. If you are not including children in your guest list, then your internal would be like this:

Greg and Sally

The omission of the names of their children is the indication that only Greg and Sally are invited.

The same goes for your "and Guest". Allowing unmarried guests to bring a significant other is great, especially if they don't know anyone else at the wedding. Although, if you have a lot of unmarried friends, allowing all of them to bring a guest can make your budget skyrocket. If you are concerned about your budget, and want to make sure everyone is included on your big day, it is acceptable to not include "and Guest" on your invitations. This way, you don't have to feel like you are excluding guests, who you are close to and want as a part of your day, just so someone can bring a complete stranger to your wedding. If you have unmarried guests, you can address their outer envelope like this:

Mr. Nate Smith
1234 Walla Walla Lane
Shady Lane, Wisconsin 12345

The inner envelope should include, either "and Guest" or their partner's name, if you know it (and you know they will be together at the wedding!).

Nate and Guest

or

Nate and Susan

Use your family and wedding party to help spread the word when asked about children or the +1's. If guests respond that they are bringing their children or a date, then it is best to give them a call and let them know that children and extra's are not included in the wedding. Your guests should understand and realize that all adult weddings can be uncomfortable for children and adding +1's who are strangers, can add costs across the board.

Response cards are also a good way to indicate and remind who is invited. I like to use person(s) to indicate that singles have been invited, and it is a reminder to invitee's to include 1 in their response number if they have received an invitation only addressed to them.

___ person(s) will attend ___ decline with regret


Obviously, there are different traditions and expectations for everyone around the country. It is best to do what you are comfortable with doing. Etiquette can be very overwhelming - especially for weddings. Use these rules and guidelines to make your own decisions. Often, you will end up making the right decision for you and your event.

Q & A. Hand Addressed Invitations

Q: Being from the South, anything less than a hand addressed invitation is frowned upon. Is it necessary to have our invitations hand addressed?

A: Well, I am from the South too, and personally, I don't think it is absolutely necessary. GASP! Now, there is something to be said about a beautifully addressed envelope. Professional calligraphy is personable and very formal. It can cost anywhere from $1.00-1.50 for inner and outer envelopes. Your investment for professional calligraphy can be $2.50+ per envelope .

If you don't have the budget or the time to have a professional calligrapher address your invitations, then addressing yourself or running through the printer is perfectly acceptable.

An option that is becoming very popular to the modern bride are label wraps.

It's not for everyone, but it does add a level of design to your invitations. Just think of label wraps as a envelope decoration. This by no means allows you to use labels like you see on bulk mailings. It is extremely impersonal. It takes a little extra time, but addressing by hand, by printer or by wrap can be a personable and stylist way to send word of your special day.

Q & A. The Demise of the RSVP

Q: Why are RSVP's so important? Should I include a response card?

A: RSVP's are very important when planning a wedding. I can't stress that enough! Guests are more and more choosing not to respond when they receive invitations. Unfortunately, it sends a bad message to the host, and puts hosts in an awkward situation as they find themselves wondering or calling recipients to find out if they will attend the wedding.

Reasons you should consider a response card:

1. Your caterer usually needs a head count 7-10 days prior to the event. You could be charged extra and even over your per-head cost if last minute guests attend.
2. If more people attend than you thought, some guests could be left standing or without food. You want them to enjoy your wedding.
   
3. If your budget calls for 100 guests, and 120 show up (at $100 a head), it's quite a surprise for whoever is cutting the check!
4. Both the host and the invited can feel quite awkward when asked if attending the event.
   

When guests fail to respond, it is extremely inconsiderate. What kind of message does that send to the host? Not a great one. Unfortunately, all bride's will at some point need to follow up with a guest who hasn't responded. It is perfectly fine to follow up with someone - after all, it was inconsiderate for them not to respond and they have an obligation to reply as soon as possible. So, make it easy on your guests - include a pre-addressed, pre-stamped envelope, with a deadline 4 weeks out, so all they need to do is drop it in the mail.

Email Response
It is acceptable to use an email address or website for guests to respond for their attendance. But, if you have a large number of guests who do not have access to computers or know how to use email, including a prepaid and pre-addressed response card is smart.

Numbering response cards
Some bride's find it helpful to lightly and discretely number their response cards. The number corresponds to the line the name is on the excel spreadsheet. So, as responses come in, you know exactly who you have not heard from.

Q & A: Invitation Timing

Q: How soon do I need to send out my invitations?

A: Mailing your invitations 6-8 weeks in advance gives your guests enough time to plan and respond for your wedding. If you send it too early, people may forget. If it is sent too late, guests may already have plans. 6-8 weeks gives your guests plenty of notice and gives you plenty of time to gather your numbers for caterers and other vendors. Your RSVP deadline should be a week or two out from your catering deadline. In order to ensure you have all of your responses, you may need to follow up with some guests.

Destination weddings require more notice, especially if the destination is hundreds of miles away from the majority of your guests. A Save the Date should be sent with as much information as possible 6 months in advance to guests. Guests have plenty of time to make reservations at discounted rates, take time off work or from school even before they receive an official invitation. Official invitations for destination weddings can be mailed at the traditional time of 6-8 weeks, as long as your Save the Dates go out with plenty of notice.

Q&A: Invitation Addressing

Q: What is the formal way to address wedding invitations?

A: Wedding invitations traditionally consist of an inner and an outer envelop to dictate who is invited to a wedding and/or reception. The outer envelope is used for the postal service to get it there, the inner to show who is invited. Now, where in the world did this little tradition come from?

Long ago, wedding invitation recipients would have been greeted at home by the brides and their assistants, who went door to door delivering their invitations. Many times, servants would answer the door, accept the invitation, remove the outer envelop and hand only the inner envelop to the invited guest. My favorite example of this is from the movie Ever After (modern take on the Cinderella Story), with Drew Barrymore i.e. Danielle/Cinderella. I have a weakness for movies like this! The horsemen ride up, inviting everyone in the household to the royal wedding, leaving poor, sweet Danielle out.

The outer envelope is, more often than not, addressed formally with the formal name and address:

Outer:
Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Neal Smith
1234 Walla Lane
Walla Walla, Wisconsin 13456

Inner (formal): Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Inner (personal): Greg and Sally

All spelled out. No abbreviations. This is an example of a married couple with the same last name. Obviously, not everyone is married, so other formats can apply...

click to view me full size!

Some additional items:
Making sure you have the correct address is a priority. Don't guess or look in the white pages. If your invitation is returned because of the wrong address, you have 1) wasted (that ever so expensive) postage and 2) are giving guests late notice of your date.

Avoid abbreviations, nick names, and initials. It is ok to ask for full formal names. At this time in our lives with Facebook, how many of us have received a facebook message asking for address and spouse names?

Q & A: Invitation and RSVP Etiquette.

I've had a few questions lately regarding invitation etiquette. It seems that everyone is confused or has a different idea of what is appropriate. Nothing is right or wrong, but there are some definite no-no's...for the sender and the receiver. So, I'm starting a series of Q&A's for this very topic. Over the next week or so, I will address the following:

• Invitation Addressing
• By Hand or By Printer or By Label (gasp!)
  
• Invitation Timing
• The Demise of the RSVP
• Email Invitations
• Registry Information
• All Adult Wedding
• Wedding Gifts
• Thank You Notes
• Pre-Wedding Festivities